


Five Times Jamesy Felt Broken (and One Time He Felt Whole)

by InkgooSupernova



Series: The Winter System [12]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Ableism, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Autism Spectrum, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Bucky Barnes has DID - Dissociative Identity Disorder, Bullying, Diapers, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced wetting, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Multi, Racism, Random Good Dudebros, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Steve Rogers Is a Good Bro, Tony Stark Is a Good Bro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:00:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23842636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InkgooSupernova/pseuds/InkgooSupernova
Summary: At this point, Jamesy was red in the face and on the verge of tears from embarrassed frustration. He tried so veryhardto speak clearly the first time, but the lady at the counter didn't hear him and he had to repeat himself and their brainhatedrepeating. Being misunderstood and having to repeat themselves made it feel like someone had stuck a lead ball in their mouth, holding their tongue down to where they couldn't eventryto speak, no matter how much they wanted to.Hereallywished Daddy was here right now.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Sam Wilson, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers/Sam Wilson
Series: The Winter System [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1693231
Comments: 16
Kudos: 155





	Five Times Jamesy Felt Broken (and One Time He Felt Whole)

**Author's Note:**

> This story features rude people and modern day societal racism, homophobia, and ableism.
> 
> Reader Discretion is Advised.

" _Gett'a load of that guy_." A random voice caught his attention.

" _A grown-ass man wearing faggot short-overalls, what is the world coming to_?" Another voice peaked his interest.

Jamesy looked around the small restaurant, trying to see who was wearing short-overalls that these awfully rude people were talking about.

Wait. _He_ was wearing short-overalls. They were talking about _him_.

"Hey, y'alright little man?" Uncle Sam whispered close to him, he must have noticed the way he hunched his shoulders in ever so slightly. Daddy was sitting across from him, looking very angry while staring at a nearby table. Daddy must have heard the people too, they both had really good hearing.

He shrugged, keeping his eyes on the table in front of him. He suddenly felt really, really uncomfortable. People were staring at him. _Judging_ him.

It was a very lovely day out, so he, Daddy, and Uncle Sam decided it was a good day to go out to lunch. Jamesy felt kinda good about himself today, like he was just as important as Bucky. They had been working with the nice people to help Bucky see them as equals and not as burdens or lesser than him. So he decided he wanted to wear something _he_ liked, not what _Bucky_ liked that they normally wore out to avoid suspicion.

He decided on a light blue, long sleeve shirt and a pair of denim short-overalls, the most overt thing he would _ever_ feel comfortable wearing out in public. Daddy said he looked nice, and Uncle Sam called him a handsome little man before ruffling his hair. That made him feel really good.

He also made sure to wear their protective padding under his short-overalls. That was the most _important_ part. They couldn't risk having a visible accident out in public, now _could_ they?

But now, now he was regretting his decision to be brave and overt _entirely_. People were _judging him_. People were _staring at him_. He wanted to rip his skin off and hide under the table and die.

"Steve, drop it." Uncle Sam warned, knowing that Daddy had a history of getting into fights. "They aren't worth it, they're just jealous that they can't pull off that outfit off as good as you." He tried to reassure him, but it didn't even bring him a crumb of comfort.

"Wanna head home?" Daddy asked, and that made Jamesy feel _horrible_. He didn't want to ruin their day out. He shouldn't have worn these. He shouldn't have been _stupid_.

"...'m sorry..." Jamesy tucked his head lower, hearing those same two voices snickering, calling him awful names under their breath. _Faggot_.

"Here, lets get out of here," Daddy sounded really mad, standing up from the table and fishing his wallet out of his pocket. "We can go somewhere else with less _idiots_." Daddy was whispering, but Jamesy knew who he meant. He could still hear them snickering. He stayed close to his Daddy and Uncle Sam as they paid for their drinks and left.

He felt _horrible_.

———

"I'm sorry?" The lady asked for the _second_ time.

At this point, Jamesy was red in the face and on the verge of tears from embarrassed frustration. He tried so very _hard_ to speak clearly the first time, but the lady at the counter didn't hear him and he had to repeat himself and their brain _hated_ repeating. Being misunderstood and having to repeat themselves made it feel like someone had stuck a lead ball in their mouth, holding their tongue down to where they couldn't even _try_ to speak, no matter how much they wanted to.

He _really_ wished Daddy was here right now.

Daddy had asked if Jamesy wanted to go with him to the coffee shop while Uncle Sam went to the bank. They had just left the restaurant and Jamesy was still hungry, and the coffee shop always had warm, fresh baked donuts that Daddy would get for him as a treat.

But today the line for the coffee shop was very long, and by the time they were halfway through the line, there was already at _least_ six more people behind them.  
Daddy had asked him to stay in line while he went to the bathroom. He promised he would be quick. He _promised_.

As soon as Daddy left his line of sight, the line decided to go from a snail's pace to a rabbit's leap. Before he knew it, he was next in line. He tried so very _hard_ to practice what he was going to say under his breath. They had all heard Daddy's coffee order enough times to be able to repeat it, and he knew _exactly_ which donut he wanted from behind the glass of the display counter, so he was _confident_ that he could put on his best Bucky voice and order without a hitch.

Jamesy was so proud of himself, sounding just as confident as Bucky as he listed off the two simple items to the barista in front of him.

That was, until a falling plate and a baby crying caught the barista's attention right as he was speaking.

"I'm so sorry, sir," The Lady looked back to him. "Could you repeat that?"

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

"I-uh-a-..." There was that lead ball in his mouth, making him stumble over the few words he could make out before clamming up tight. He couldn't look up from the counter or force his mouth open no matter how hard he tried.

He _really_ wished Daddy was back already.

So here he was, frustrated and embarrassed while the people behind him groaned in annoyance, just wanting to get their coffee and go. A coalition of butterflies suddenly invaded his tummy. _Anxiety_.

 _He should've gone to the bank with Uncle Sam_.

"Hey, sorry about that." Daddy swooped in to the rescue, _finally_ back from his bathroom break. What the H-E-double hockey stick took him so long?!

Thankfully, Daddy was able to explain what they wanted, knowing each of their orders by heart. The barista lady cheerfully took their order and money before handing the ticket to another nearby person behind the counter.

Jamesy laid his head on his arms on top of the table once he and Daddy sat down. He was so _frustrated_. Everyone _else_ in the shop could say their orders just _fine_. He was _broken_.

"You okay?" Daddy asked quietly, resting a hand on top of his own flesh hand. Jamesy pulled his hand away, he _really_ didn't want a repeat of the restaurant incident.

He felt _awful_.

———

"Hey, I stopped by the tower," Uncle Sam finally came back, meeting the two of them at a nearby walking park. "Figured you could use a friendly face."

Jamesy's eyes lit up as Uncle Sam pulled Winnie out from his bag. He couldn't help himself as he squeezed the plush tight to his chest, nuzzling his cheek and nose against the soft, tan fur. They all knew that hugging his Bucky Bear made everything feel better.

That is, until they got on the concrete walking trail.

Jamesy wanted to hold Winnie close, keeping him tight to his chest as they walked. Plus, Winnie wanted to see the pretty trees and flowers too. Plus having the plush of him around always made it easier for him to experience the world too without their brain getting _too_ foggy and dissociated.

This was completely fine to him, until he caught the stare of a man walking past. The sudden eye contact from a stranger shot lightning straight through his spine, forcing him to look down at his feet as they kept walking. It would've been just _fine_ if it was just that one occurrence.

But it _kept happening_.

After that first man, it was a young couple jogging by. After them, it was a different man, who gave him a very weird look that made his tummy flip-flop. After _that_ man, it was a gaggle of dudebros walking by, laughing among themselves.

The worst of them however, by far, was _her_.

A soccer-mom with a 'let me speak to your manager' haircut, as Bucky called it, with at least six kids surrounding her like a mother opossum. Jamesy could hear the Soldier making a comment about wearing a condom, but he didn't understand.

One of the kids surrounding her, a little girl, smiled so very bright and pointed at the bear nestled tight in his arms.  
"Mommy! Tha' man has a teddy bear!" Her voice was so chipper and bright, Jamesy couldn't help but smile back.

His smile instantly fell when the soccer-mom sneered at him, pulling an awfully ugly face at his smile.

"Get away from him, that man is _sick_. He wants to take you away." The soccer-mom's horrible words sounded like a gunshot.

She thought he was a _predator_.

Daddy and Uncle Sam were _furious_ , barking things at the soccer-mom, who then threatened to call the police, which then caused a small crowd to form, all with cellphones in hand.

Thank god they had sunglasses and baseball hats on. Jamesy couldn't live with himself if Daddy and Uncle Sam's lives were ruined by the bad publicity this kind of thing would bring.

"C'mon. Lets go." Daddy grabbed his hand and started leading him past the crowd, Uncle Sam flanking them to avoid any stragglers from following them.

"Good riddance you _pervert_!" The soccer-mom called out to them.

Jamesy's tummy twisted painfully.

He felt _disgusting_.

———

"You can't do that here." A sudden voice caught him off guard.

After the incident at the walking park, Jamesy stuffed Winnie back into Sam's bag. Honestly, Winnie didn't want to be out either, not after everything that just happened.

In an attempt to cheer him up, Daddy and Uncle Sam took him to a nearby ice-cream parlor. A cold, refreshing, fresh strawberry milkshake would be just the thing to soothe his frayed nerves.

The milkshake _did_ help, just a little, as he tried his best to suck a chunk of strawberry from his straw.

Jamesy, Daddy, and Uncle Sam were all sitting on a bench near a different park. This one had a pretty looking playground, complete with swings. After a few minutes of drinking his milkshake, Jamesy asked Uncle Sam if he could go to the swings. They all agreed, happy that Jamesy was feeling at least a _smidge_ better.

So there they were, Daddy pushing Jamesy on the swing, while Uncle Sam sat at a nearby picnic table, keeping an eye on their drinks. That's when a man walked up to them.

"Excuse me?" Daddy turned his head to the man behind them, easily stopping the swing that Jamesy was on to better focus.

"I said you can't do _that_ here." The man repeated himself, arms crossed and looking very offended.

"We can't ride on a swing at a public park?" Daddy turned his entire body, now facing the man. Jamesy knew the man was talking about him, how he was being a horrible, awful, disgusting person. "Last I checked, this was a free country."

"Not for people like _that_." The man spat, and Daddy's face turned bright red.

"Steve, lets just go." Uncle Sam put his hand on Daddy's shoulder, but Daddy shrugged it right off.

"No, I wanna know what _exactly_ you meant." Daddy's voice was tense and scary, and Jamesy couldn't help himself when he scooted off the swing to hide behind Uncle Sam.

"This park is meant for families, we don't need _your kind_ here putting our children at risk." The man's words dripped with bitter hatred.

 _Your kind_. All of them couldn't tell if that was supposed to be racist, homophobic, or ableist.

Probably all three.

"Steve. We're going. Now." Uncle Sam took Daddy's hand, tugging it to get him to follow. "It's not worth it trying to argue with people like _that_."

Daddy glared daggers at the man, a deep scowl carved into his face, before turning on his heel to follow Uncle Sam, making sure that Jamesy was close in tow.

"This city was better before the fags and _retards_ started taking over." They all heard the man speak.

At that, both Daddy and Uncle Sam turned around, rage sketched across their features.

"Wanna repeat that, _pal_?" Daddy barked, his hands balled into tight fists. They all knew that look that Daddy had, ready to fight to defend his friend's honor.

" _You heard me, faggot_." The man spat back, all venom and cruelty.  
Jamesy and Uncle Sam _both_ had to pull Daddy back, they _really_ didn't want the police called on them because Captain America assaulted a racist homophobe.

Honestly? Imagine the headlines. 'Captain America defends against racism and homophobia in 21st century'. Wouldn't that be nice?

But Jamesy didn't want to deal with a fight, he just wanted to go home.

"Daddy, 'm _tired_. I wan'a go _home_." Jamesy knew he was whining, but he couldn't _help_ it. He had been having an awful day, and he didn't want it to end with them all getting arrested for assault.

Even if this 'donkey-headed' jerk really, really, _really_ deserved it.

The man's face twisted into an _awful_ glare, and Jamesy realized he said that _too_ loud.

"We're going." Daddy huffed, taking both him and Uncle Sam by the hands as he practically stormed off.

"God hates you! Disgusting _sinners_! You're all going to hell!" Jamesy tried desperately to block out the man's horrible words.

He felt _terrible_.

———

" _Oh my god_ -" Someone's voice hissed, trying to stifle a laugh. Oh **great**. Now _what_?

Jamesy, Daddy, and Uncle Sam finally decided they had enough of the city, making their way back home to the refuge of the tower. No one could be mean to them _there_.

Jamesy ignored that voice, praying it was meant for someone else.

That was, until he heard another, stifled laugh.

Then he felt a tap on his shoulder and he blacked out.

He came to, standing over a man- one of the dudebros from the walking park earlier- cupping the side of his face with his friends surrounding him.

"Oh-oh m' god 'm _so sorry_!" Jamesy whimpered, kneeling down to help him up.

"No no, it's cool man, really," The Dudebro stood up, rubbing his cheek a little more. Thankfully they hadn't used nearly a third of their super-soldier strength when they decked this kid, or else he'd be out cold. Or _worse_. "I shouldn't have snuck up on you like that. It's my bad."

"Why did you tap his shoulder?" Daddy sounded annoyed, and that made Jamesy's insides twist painfully.

"Oh, uh, I didn't know if you noticed but- okay see me and some of my friends are part of that community too and I figured I would want to know if- okay uh-" This guy needed to spit it out already!

Wait, _what_ community?

"You're uh, kinda showing." The Dudebro finally got out, as if that made _any_ sense.

It didn't, until their brain clicked and it finally _did_ make sense.

"Oh-" Daddy's voice gasped and _yep_ , that's all he needed to know.

His shirt wasn't long enough under his short-overalls to cover past his hips. He miscalculated. He forgot he was even wearing _that_ underneath his clothing.

 _His padding was visible through the gap in his clothing_.

"Hey, it's alright, just figured I'd let you know before anyone else noticed-" Jamesy was so very rude for cutting him off, he _knew_ he was, but he couldn't _help it_. He curled up on himself and _cried_. Right there in the middle of the sidewalk, surrounded by a crowd of people on both sides.

The last thing he could remember, Daddy and Uncle Sam were pulling him up from the ground, and the gaggle of Dudebros were keeping the crowds away, telling them everything was under control.

He felt _mortified_.

———

" 'm bad." Jamesy huffed, dragging a plastic bin out of his room.

They had _finally_ made it back to the tower, where Jamesy immediately ran off to his room, tearing off every bit of clothing- as well as his padding, the _wretched_ thing- and slipping into the all black clothes that Soldier always wore, complete with the left sleeve ripped off. After that, he started dumping all of his toys into a plastic bin that was hiding in his closet. Everything _little_ had to go. _Now_.

He spent the past three hours tossing everything he could find into the bin.

"Jamesy, c'mon pal, we can talk about this." Dad-Steve tried to reason with him, but he was so _angry_. He felt horrible. He felt awful.  
He felt disgusting. He felt terrible. He felt mortified.

He felt _dirty_. He felt _lesser_. He felt like an invalid _burden_.

"No. Bad. Need to go away forever." Jamesy spat back out. He could feel Bucky, so very close in his skull, saying these exact same things.

"Jamesy, stop. You're upset." Unc- _just_ Sam tried to get him to focus, but their head was too clouded in _disgust_ to listen. He just ignored him, dragging the bin full of the evidence of his _brokenness_ to the door of their apartment.

That is, until there was a knock.

"Rogers? Wilson? You guys in there?" It was Tony.

"Not a good time, Stark." Un- Sam called to the door, but that didn't stop Tony.

"I kinda figured, judging by the noise complaints from the neighbors," Tony teased, slightly muffled by the door. "But I just got a call from this guy named _Kevin_ and you guys are on the news for yelling at some chick?"

_Oh no. Oh god please no._

Da-Steve turned on the TV to a news station that was _known_ for talking about famous people, whether or not they were true _or_ kind.

But what they saw shocked all of them.

It was a cellphone video of Daddy and Uncle Sam's argument with the soccer-mom at the walking park, with the tagline 'Captain America Stands Up for Friends at Park'. It looks like the videos were already trending online.

How did they know it was them? They had _sunglasses_ and _baseball hats_.

Well, they were also national heroes and celebrities with very distinct body shapes and voices.

The video cut to an interview, and it was the Dudebro he accidentally punched!

Oh boy, he was probably gonna say something _awful_ because they accidentally hurt him. Jamesy braced himself for it.

"Yeah, It's not cool for people to, like, judge others because they're, what, _walking down the street_?" The man- who the caption card said was named 'Kevin'- talked to the person behind the camera. "It was really cool of him to stick up for his friend, y'know? Like, I know I'd want _my_ friends to have the balls to stand up for _me_ if some entitled parent came up to me, y'know?-" Kevin started laughing, asking quietly if he was allowed to say 'balls' on TV.

That made Jamesy's heart swell.

The four of them- Tony had let himself in to watch the 'news' story- watched as the group of 'news reporters' in the room discussed 'entitled parents' and 'accusations' and 'does she know she was insulting three veterans and a P-O-W?'.

"Looks like you're really trending, Capsicle." Tony showed off his phone screen, revealing a twitter page with the hashtag '#CAPvsEntitledMoms'.

How did this all happen in less than five hours?!

Jamesy didn't care, he listened as Daddy and Uncle Sam read off a bunch of tweets. Some were saying they shouldn't have argued, and some even called them mean names, but so many _more_ were singing praises for not letting him get bullied.

"We'll have to give that Kevin guy a call sometime..." Daddy mumbled his thoughts out loud. "And what does 'R-slash-Entitled Parents' mean?"

Tony laughed and explained the joys of the internet and its wildfire-like spread of information while Jamesy snuggled close to Uncle Sam's side, gathering Winnie from the bag that was left on the couch.

He would put his toys all back in a minute, he wasn't going _anywhere_. He deserved love, respect, and equality just as much as the rest of them in their system.

There may be bad things in the world, but they will always be outnumbered by the many more, absolutely _wonderful_ things out there as well.

He felt _good_.

**Author's Note:**

> **References:**
> 
> R/EntitledParents is a reddit forum meant to showcase rude, entitled parents.
> 
> The 'news' channel they watch is a reference to TMZ.
> 
> **Brief Explanations:**
> 
> Jamesy is a child part, or System Little, within the Winter System. Bucky has personal issues considering the rest of his alters as equal people instead of a hindrance. Many systems begin with these types of insecurities and must overcome them as part of the recovery process, whether they choose to fully integrate or remain distinctive parts.
> 
> These are based on **personal experiences** and are not a scientific basis or professional explanation for either DID systems or Autism Spectrum Neurodivergency. No two people, let alone no two systems, are exactly the same.
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated!


End file.
